The Lies of La-Z Boy and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

From ShunpikerWiki

The Lies of La-Z Boy and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
Source:	Email to Lewis Bergey
Date:	unknown
Versions:	(other versions)

I can no longer remain silent. Struggle as I might, I cannot subdue the ever growing sensation that we are doomed. The steadily growing torrent of signs and omens is undeniable. Only a fool would continue tapping his foot to the muzak and stuffing his pie hole at the complimentary buffet, while the ripped hull of the liner he happens to be on continues taking in 172 gallons of water a second. "We are all going down. We are all going down together." as Laurie Anderson sings.

But the sinister architects of the coming conflagration have left clues at the scene of the crime. Signs of our imminent destruction may be found in a recent spat of La-Z Boy furniture ads on television. The sheer audacity of the La-Z Boy company's distortion of reality is breath taking. Their willingness to bet on the stupidity of the people is inspiring in its simple faith. The lies spun by this powerful cabal of comfort mongers are so incredible, they fly in the face of all we know about life and the world. The La-Z Boy furniture company has created a web of deceit and manipulation that touches every facet of our lives, forms our very conceptions of reality, defines what is possible and what is not.

The only way to defeat them is with unflinching candor. This I intend to do with this article, revealing the claims of the La-Z Boy company to be either the cynical fabrications of power hungry plutocrats, or the insane ramblings of a collective lunacy.

The following lies have all been culled from recent TV ads.

Lie #1

"Moving the La-Z Boy store to the University Center was a stroke of genius."

No it wasn't. It was a simple business decision which will either be profitable or not. By what stretch of the imagination could this be called a "stroke of genius"? Greek in origin, the word originally referred to a sort of guardian angel everyone was supposed to have, but only a few weirdos listened to. It was our link to the eternal. Through your genius beautiful ideas were supposed to pour into the realm of time to help you find your way back to eternity. But you had to open yourself first.

The assumption made by the La-Z Boy company that people are simply too stupid to realize what genius is, says more about the spiritual poverty of the advertisers than of the people.

Lie #2

"Being in the La-Z Boy store is the most fun you can have indoors."

This statement is made by a good looking young guy who really needs to get out more, meet some new people. If he needs some suggestions for having real fun indoors, he can e-mail me.

This lie tries to tell us that the most joy we can have in life is buying something, or simply being in a place where buying takes place. Everything has become a thing with a price tag, you too. If being in a La-Z Boy store is the most fun I can have in doors, then I say bring on the apocalypse; there really is no point in going on.

Lie #3

"The La-Z Boy store at the University center is a work of art."

This lie is similar to Lie # 1 in its cynical assumption that people are no longer capable of recognizing beauty. There is a way in which everything is indeed a work of art. Confucius once remarked, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone can see it." But somehow I don't think that the La-Z Boy executives had that in mind. You can't sell that, although everyone tries. What I think they mean (although now all meaning is slippery) is that the store exudes an aura of ease, comfort, good value, and wealth. Just because the so-called art world has also chosen to focus on these attributes does not make a La-Z Boy store a work of art.

There are many more La-Z Boy lies. Just try going into the University Center La-Z Boy store and asking them to enroll in their "Relaxation Degree" program as promised in a recent TV ad, they'll give you the bum's rush, and pronto. If you call their bluff that their store is actually your "home", as claimed in yet another TV spot, they call the police and you and your boxes of stuff are removed post haste. Don't even try to tell the cops about the La-Z Boy conspiracy; they just look at you as if you were crazy.

I hope the people of Anchorage will see through the tangled webs of lies woven by the people of La-Z Boy. I hope we realize that these peddlers of relaxation are not interested in our true relaxation at all, but in simply taking our money and rendering us limbless slug creatures. First they plan to destroy language so completely we begin to think sitting in a La-Z Boy recliner is a stroke of genius, our fat asses are works of art, and we are actually having as much fun as we can indoors. Then they install computer fiber optic cables to our hypothalamuses and pituitary glands, feeding tubes to our mouths, and before you know it we are caught in a weird "matrix" gig.

Don't say you weren't warned.